Bloggedy-blog

Well...

2006-07-05T00:32:00.000-07:00

My "blogiversary" just passed and I started feeling blogstalgic, so I decided to blog. Bloggedy-blog. I have a scratch on my arm and it fucking hurts. I just wanted to share that with someone and that someone is you. Yes you. Have a blogtastic day.

This could only happen to me

2005-09-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

I went with my family to the Sacramento zoo today. First let me go on record and say I now officially hate zoos. I just thought the zoo here in Atascadero was pathetic and sad, but no, Sacramento's zoo is just bigger and sadder. These poor animals seem so miserable. I am by no means an animal rights activist, but my god, keeping animals caged up so people can look at them is cruel! Anyway, the best thing I saw was this big chimp. I could only see him from behind but he just looked so depressed. He was sitting on top of this rock, not moving at all, with his head hung down. So I walked over to the end of the display and tried to get a look at his face and I swear to god this chimp had his dinger out and was playing with himself!!! I turned and called out to my mom to tell her what he was doing and I guess while I was turned away he finished because when I looked again he was SNIFFING HIS HAND!!!! Then he jumped down off his rock and walked over and stuck his hand in another chimp's face. It was AWESOME!!! I guess he wasn't nearly as sad as he looked from behind. And now I think, hmmm...maybe chimps are kinda funny after all...just not when people dress them in clothes. But I still think zoos are lame!

Venom

2005-09-16T02:17:00.000-07:00

I was unaware of just how negative my blog was until someone told me it was full of venom. Well hey, that's just my sense of humor. I think it's fucking hilarious to rip people to shreds. But this post is just for those who think that I am a negative bitch.

I'm not a negative person. I have goals that I honestly plan to achieve. A negative person can't do that. I'm a fairly happy person with an expansive sense of humor. I think even the most childish jokes are hilarious and I laugh with all my heart. I get excited about little things, they make my day, my week and sometimes even my month. I sometimes walk around with a smile on my face just thinking about that small thing. For example a couple of weeks ago I got really excited about finally getting a cd I was anxiously anticipating. Just buying that cd made my week! Now I will admit I have my bad days, too, but for the most part I am pretty content, and no matter how I feel I can always laugh.

Now as for my blog, this is something I use to vent, to write out things I think other people will find funny, and sometimes even share personal information. I never really meant it to be negative, but I suppose the positive stuff just doesn't seem as interesting to me. However in the interest of being a balanced person (which is how I like to think of myself cuz I'm a damn Libra) in the future I will make an effort to post more positive things.

So here's my first POSITIVE post:

Hey everybody! Guess what?!?!?! I got an 'A' on my first test of the semester! I would like to pat myself on the back, if my hand somehow then lowers for a slap on the ass, whatever... YAY ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Now someone tell non-gay but possibly gay Sergio he can read my blog again dammit!

ACK!!!

2005-09-14T01:51:00.000-07:00

Last night I was previewing some used VHS to make sure they worked and in hobbled a man in his mid to late 40's dressed in, I shit you not, a pink bikini top stuffed with socks, leather chaps with a matching hat, a g-string and 6 inch stilettos. He was also wearing makeup. He came in and bought an inflatable butt plug. It was awesome!!!

I'm blogging dammit!

2005-09-05T00:30:00.000-07:00

So, pretty much nothing exciting has been going on here, just the same old bullshit day in and day out. I've been super busy with school, particularly with my poetry class. I pretty much suck at interpreting poetry...I'm slowly coming to grips with that fact. The next few months should be fun. I'm looking forward to spending hours coming up with the shallowest interpretation of every poem I have to read and probably winding up with a B in this class. Fuck. That's gonna throw my GPA off. If anyone wants to help me let me know!!! Right now I'm working on a paper comparing a poem to a song and I think I'm in over my head. Oh well...I also have 26 more chapters of "Candide" to read by Tuesday. Yay me.

As for work...it's the same as always only shittier. Stupid people abound. Why is it when you don't think someone is funny they assume that you don't have a sense of humor at all? I get accused of having no sense of humor by moronic assholes all the time. I have a fucking sense of humor shithead, you just aren't funny! GRRR!!! Ok, well, I'm not really in rant mode right now, I'd rather talk about the hilarity of working with Jenny. OH MAH GAH!!!! She has a crush on one of our customers, and I will admit he is very cute. The other night he brought us cake out of the blue. It was really nice of him and I was pretty shocked by it, but it makes me think he likes her, too. Anyway the night he brought cake I was cracking jokes saying, "Hmmm...what should I bring to the fat chicks at the porn store? Oh, I know!!! CAKE!!!" And Jenny was saying, "Well he doesn't rent fat chick porn but maybe he likes to fatten girls up." So we made a deal, because he always asks for help finding a movie, I told her I'd give her five dollars if something along the lines of the following conversation were to take place:

Cute Customer: Help me pick a movie.
Jenny: How about this fat chick porn?
Cute Customer: Ok, sure.
Jenny: Why rent that when you can have this? *points to herself*

The only reason I offered money was because I was pretty sure she wouldn't go through with it. So anyway, he came in tonight and asked for help. We both went to help him look for something and Jenny got a fat chick porn out. He said he would like it as long as the girls weren't too old. This was the PERFECT opportunity for her to not only get some but to get a free 5 bucks and the little shit chickened out! She also looked EXTREMELY embarrassed so I began teasing him about liking young girls, to sort of take the pressure off Jenny. We looked but it seems all the fat porn chicks are too old for his taste (what a perv) but we finally picked something out for him and I rang him up. As he was leaving Jenny said under her breath, "I'll come over and watch it with you." He wasn't quite out the door yet and I burst out laughing. He heard me and came running back in asking what I was laughing about, so I told him what she said. Jenny RAN into the back room and tripped over some boxes, knocking them all over and falling on the floor she was SOOOOOO EMBARRASSED! It was AWESOME!!!!!!!!!!! So then Cute Customer guy said, "She can come over anytime, but she better watch out because I haven't had a date in a long time." Then he left, Jenny was still in the back sprawled out on the floor laughing. I haven't had so much fun at work I think EVER! Too bad the stupids have to go and ruin it for me every day!

I declare today official bad grammar day!!!!

2005-08-28T21:24:00.000-07:00

Words and phrases overheard and/or read by me in random places today:

"My mom has no truck no more." I heard this one at the grocery store first thing this morning and knew I was starting the day right.
"Oh yeah, I seen the preview for that movie." I was telling someone at work I was going to see The Brothers Grimm, which by the way was really stupid.
"Your never around." Read this one in an e-mail.
"dilapitated" Heard this one on a comedy cd...it's dilapiDated dumbshit.
"expecially" UGH!
"supposably" A particular pet peeve of mine.
"stupider" Debi you knew I had to put this in here. LOL!!!
"more stupidider" Ok I admit I said this one, but only in response to the above.

Learn how to speak America! Sheesh!

Stupid people

2005-08-26T01:07:00.000-07:00

Damn but there are some STUPID people in this world. I have a tendency to forget just how dumb some people are and I like it that way. The people I choose to hang around with are all of above average intelligence at least because I can't fucking stand stupid people. I went to get some food after work tonight and while I was waiting for it I overheard the following conversation:

Idiot: I was listening to "Stairway to Heaven."
Lamebrain: Isn't that by the Eagles?
Mongoloid: No it's Eric Clapton.
Idiot: My sister used to play it over and over when I was a kid. I had a Kiss record and my brother threw it off a cliff.
Mongoloid: He must not have liked it. Was it Aerosmith?
Lamebrain: You know a lot of 70's music.

Ummmm...wow! The utter retardedness of this conversation just blows me away. I so wanted to turn around and somehow magically strangle all three of them at the same time while screaming, "It's fucking Led Zeppelin you morons!" But somehow I managed to restrain myself. The really sad thing about this was that all three of the people having that conversation were at least in their 40s. My niece knows more about 70s music than these dipshits and she was born in 1998! WTF?!?!?!

I'm in trouble

2005-08-24T14:44:00.000-07:00

My roommates are leaving in less than a month, which totally rocks! My coworker Jess has been telling me for months that she would move in with me when they left. Well, she recently informed me that she had changed her mind because she wanted to concentrate on getting a car first. That little twat! So, I asked around to everyone I know to see if anyone else wanted to move in with me and no one did, so with many reservations I asked my sister. Now she has called me and informed me that she will indeed be moving in with me on October 1st. Basically I have lived with my sister for most of my life and I think the whole thing is a TERRIBLE idea. But the alternative is finding a stranger to move in and I don't think I'm really prepared for that. My sister is a total slob, her friends are all trashy and she has a tendency to get fired from her jobs. I'm in trouble. But I told her that her trashy friends can't come over, she damn well better keep her shit clean and pay the rent ON TIME or she's out of here. She has agreed to it so we'll see what happens. Wish me luck!

I'm going to HELL!!!!!!

2005-08-23T09:17:00.000-07:00

I'm gluttonous!!! LOL!!! Like you couldn't figure that out just by looking at me.

The Dante's Inferno Test has banished you to the Third Level of Hell!
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:

Level	Score
Purgatory (Repenting Believers)	Very Low
Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)	Very Low
Level 2 (Lustful)	Very High
Level 3 (Gluttonous)	Very High
Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)	High
Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)	Very High
Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)	Very High
Level 7 (Violent)	High
Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)	Very High
Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)	Moderate

Take the Dante's" Inferno Test

YUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2005-08-21T21:11:00.000-07:00

So Stupidhead hired another new person and I had the dubious pleasure of training him today. I'm just utterly disgusted by this guy. First OF he smells! A horrible dead squirrel in the armpits stench! I'm putting my foot down...if I have to wear fucking slacks then he has to wear fucking deodorant! If there is one thing I cannot stand it is body odor. There is no fucking reason why anyone should smell like that. Even homeless people can get a shower and a stick of deodorant at the goddamn shelter. Fuck, he could go jump in the lake or play in the sprinklers, I don't care just as long as he takes a bar of soap with him. I don't even understand how someone could stand to go without a shower, or walk around with sweaty armpits without feeling the need to deodorize. It's nasty! Especially when you're a big hairy man with that long matted hair they have in their armpits. UGH!!! God, even Stupidhead doesn't stink, I mean aside from the cigarette reek. Second OF this kid is RUDE! When I'm training I'm not allowed to leave the store. At noon this guy went to get himself lunch and didn't even offer to pick anything up for me. Even when we're not training everyone who works there offers to get stuff for everyone else because you never know if it will get busy or if you will be able to get away before the night is over. Fortunately I had brought a Hot Pocket, but it's the principle of the thing, because a) he KNEW I couldn't leave and b) he didn't KNOW I brought anything because he was 25 minutes late! So anyway, at 4:15 he just left without asking, leaving the trash and all the paperwork for me to do alone. Man was I pissed off. Not only did I have to smell his reeky ass all day, he ditched me with all the shit work! Also, he pissed me off with his music choices. He dominated the cd player, listening to 80s hair metal, then he went through my cd case without even bothering to ask me and put on one of my cd's. He might as well have started to rifle through my purse to see if I had any extra money in there...this kid has a lot of nerve! Thank God I don't have to work with this dude very often otherwise I'd probably get myself into trouble for either beating the shit out of him or getting fed up and just walking out. I'm tempted to rat him out to Stupidhead but I'm pretty sure he will just think I'm being a wussy. Hey, I have a very sensitive nose and I'm very protective of my cd's!!! Hehehe!!!

Go fuck a goat!!!!

2005-08-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

I went to see "The 40 Year Old Virgin" tonight and it was AWESOME!!! Everyone, go see it, I command you! If you don't I'll know you're gay!

Ok, anyway, after the movie tonight I went to Debi's and started playing Guild Wars. Holy schnitzel it's fun! I could easily get addicted to video games. It's a good thing my computer won't actually play any good ones because if it did I would never get any work done. I realized it's probably a damn good thing I don't have cable, too, because I could sit and watch What Not to Wear and How Do I Look for hours and hours. I swear I'm so easily amused it scares me sometimes.

In fact, I'm reading Moliere's "Tartuffe" for one of my classes right now and actually enjoying it, which is surprising because reading plays is usually not fun at all. This one is good, except for the fact that it's written in couplets. Last night I fell asleep after reading it and dreamed in couplets. That could drive a person batty!!! Thankfully it's a fairly short play, and it was only a short nap.
In my other class I was highly impressed when the instructor had us deconstruct the APC song "Weak and Powerless" as a group project. I love that song! I fucking HATE working in groups but for some reason that's what you have to do in these stupid Lit classes. It's universal, ALL of the instructors put you in groups, there's no avoiding it. Did I mention I HATE working in groups? One or two people usually end up doing all of the work, and all of the other fuckers get to take credit for it. Of course if I were one of the ones not doing any work this would be to my advantage, but I'm always the one picking up other people's slack. UGH! But the instructor at least has good taste in music, so I kinda like him in spite of the whole group thing.

I have to work the morning shift tomorrow, UGH again! I think I'm really starting to hate my job, too. Unfortunately now is not the time to really try to get a new one. But anyway, I guess it's kinda good that I'm working in the morning because my brain really works better at night and that will give me a good stretch of evening to study. Whoopee!!! Thankfully I don't really need my brain for work!!! Hehehe! So I'm off to bed now...night night blogland!

Oh and...KELLY CLARKSON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (See the movie!)

Funny shit

2005-08-19T01:18:00.000-07:00

I recently posted about my new coworker Jenny, how she laughs like a loon and has the most sensitive gag reflex ever. I have a BLAST working with this girl because I'm an evil bitch! When anyone says anything even remotely nasty she makes this horrible retching sound that cracks me up every time.

Things that make Jenny retch:

Worms: Just saying "worms" and wiggling your fingers. I found this out when I was describing a really ugly guy by saying it looked like worms crawled up into his face like in the movie "Squirm." I hope Jenny never watches that movie.

Shrimp poop: We were talking about how sometimes shrimp still has the poop in it and how that makes me not want to eat it. Apparently it doesn't appeal to Jenny either.

Fish and chips pizza: I couldn't decide if I wanted fish and chips or pizza for dinner so I pondered the possibility of combining the two. Lindsey thought it was a great idea. Jenny didn't.

Egg nog: We were listening to Dave Attell. When he started talking about egg nog, Jenny said, "Ooohh!! I love egg nog!!" Then Dave had to go and ruin it by saying it's really elf cum. Jenny will never drink egg nog again.

Jizz: Someone spooged on the wall in the arcade. At first she screamed, then she retched. I really thought I was going to have to get her a bucket. Poor Jenny!

Vurping: I wasn't feeling too well and I vurped. Jenny retched.

I'm certain that the possibilities are endless when it comes to torturing this poor girl. I also discovered that if someone screams she screams too, no matter what. So I spent half the night screaming and half the night laughing my ass off. God I love my job!!!

August fucktards

2005-08-18T01:05:00.000-07:00

Oh the parade of fucktards never ends in porn land. Here's a sampling of the FOTM candidates for August:

The Breeders - This was a couple who decided they just had to go to the porn shop and couldn't find a sitter. Who the fuck brings a baby to the porn shop? First of all there are signs outside the front door which clearly state in both English and Spanish that NO ONE under the age of 18 is permitted in the store. Second, why would you even want to bring a baby in? How can you look at porn and sex toys with a baby in your arms? It just seems so wrong. If you MUST look at porn have one person sit in the car with the baby while the other one shops and then switch off as necessary. When we kicked them out for bringing the baby in, they got very irate and began yelling and name calling. Yeah that will help your case dimwit. GETTHEFUCKOUT!!!

The Tweakers - A group of 4 guys that came in 20 minutes AFTER we were closed for the night. All of the lights were turned off except for one, it was 20 minutes after closing time, the parking lot was empty and dark, and these loons came waltzing through the front door. I heard the doorbell ring so I looked up.
Me: We're closed.
Dumbshit #1: We're just gonna look around.
Me: Uh, no, we're closed.
Dumbshit #1: Can't we just look around?
Me: No. We're CLOSED!
Dumbshit #2: Aww come on!
Me: We're closed goddamnit, get out!
Dumbshit #1: Are you ok?
Me: WE'RE CLOSED!!!!!
Dumbshit #2: What's wrong?
Me: GET OUT!!! GET OUT!!!!!!
Dumbshits #1-4: *scatter*

The frontrunner - I'm sad to inform you that the frontrunner for August is not a customer, but is, in fact, my manager Fred, or as he is now known, "Soon to be dead" and/or "Stupidhead." Fred consistently does not order special orders, orders crap we don't need which causes overflow in areas where we don't have space, overprices EVERYTHING, categorizes the movies WRONG, leaves the place a fucking PIGSTY, sits on his ass his whole shift and doesn't do SHIT, then bitches at everyone else that we aren't finishing everything on the night shift which is generally WAY busier than the day shift. I could go on all day about the shit that Fred does that pisses me and my coworkers off. Suffice it to say that he is a complete and utter ass, and he has stepped up his assiness in the past few weeks thereby launching himself into the frontrunner position. The truly sad thing about Fred is he would probably be proud to find out he won Fucktard of the Month, so I most likely won't award it to him on those grounds but still...GAH!!!

And finally, no fucktard post would be complete without a Fucktard of the Year update. I think FOTY may have finally gotten a clue, and then promptly lost it again. One night he came in to return some movies (all in the wrong cases of course) and I was being a bitch to him as is my usual habit, and he said to me, "You don't like me do you?" Well fucking DUH!!!! I just ignored him and continued being a bitch. Then two nights ago he came in to return movies (you guessed it, in the wrong cases!) and said, "You look really pretty tonight. But of course you always look pretty." I wanted to barf all over him but I hadn't eaten yet. Oh well, there's always next time! I think I'll eat Fruity Pebbles everyday this week to make my barf particularly nasty!

First day of school

2005-08-17T01:03:00.000-07:00

Today was my first day of school. Not much to report...my classes seem pretty cool. Now I gotta go shell out a shitload of money for books. Yay. Oh and Arnold Schwarzenegger needs to be castrated and bitch slapped with his own testicles for literally DOUBLING tuition rates over the last year. And yes I can bitch because I voted and it wasn't for his moronic ass!

10 things I learned yesterday

2005-08-14T14:58:00.000-07:00

1. How to properly apply blush...the more the better ladies!
2. Claim Jumper is goood!!!!
3. Antoine is dead. :(
4. The term 'twatsicle.'
5. If you're a man dressed in formal wear, your outfit is not complete without a hickey.
6. My flip flops are damn comfy, even if they are ugly.
7. I should carry a hairbrush in my purse.
8. Perfect Petzzz make the perfect pets!
9. Going to Torrid without money is pure torture.
10. The JC Penney in Fresno smells like a litterbox.

Ahhh Yes!!!

2005-08-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

Another Thursday night at the bar!!!! These don't happen very often because I usually have to work, and that's really a crying shame because something good ALWAYS happens on Thursday nights. So last night, as soon as we got there and found our seat and got settled in, and Debi left on her customary trip to, um, powder her nose, some morons began talking to me. One of the dudes had bought a $5 rose from that dumb chick that walks around all the bars with a huge basket full of them (where's Henry Higgins when you need him?) and was hitting his stupid friend in the face with it. So I looked at them with what I'm sure was one of my withering looks of scorn, because really, do I have any other looks? And I guess they thought I was interested and began telling me what they were doing. The dude that had bought the rose supposedly bought it because he, "loves the way roses feel!" Ick! So when Debi returned these fucktards were saying something and I had on my fuck off and die smile and was nodding, just hoping they'd shut the fuck up before I had to get rude. Debi's ass firmly planted in my line of sight to these guys seemed to do the trick.

So Thursday is karaoke night, for anyone who didn't know, which means time to be fabulous. Well, that didn't really work out for me, I started out bad and just got worse. I should have just stopped before I started but, oh well. I was determined to get really shitty drunk (see previous post) but it didn't happen. I did wind up with a nice buzz but only because I sucked my last drink down really fast right before we left so I started feeling it in the car which was OH SO FUN!!! Anyway, at one point during the night the guy that loves the feel of roses came over and sat down right next to me. Now mind you, even if I had not seen this guy slapping his friend in the face with a rose and declaring his love for the feel of roses, I would NOT have been interested. He was clearly in his mid to late 40's and about 5'6" which will just never do. Anyway, he kept waving at me all night, I wasn't sure what that was all about, but I figured it was because he thought we were friends since I knew all about his love for the feel of roses. After a while he came over and sat next to me on the banquette. I happened to be on the phone with Debi's CG, telling him how to put on a cock ring (more on that later) and just sat there without speaking to me but sloooowly moving closer and closer. I handed the phone to Debi and realized that this guy's knee was touching mine, so I moved my leg. Then he moved his leg and was touching me again. So I scooted further down. I wasn't sure what the hell was going on because he wasn't speaking to me at all, just trying to touch me. Again ICK!!! Well anyway, then his fashionally challenged friend who was otherwise cute came over to get him because they were leaving. When he stood up he leaned over and said, "Can I get your number?" Of course I refused, but I can't say I was rude about it. I just said, "No, sorry," and shook my head. So then he did what any 12 year old boy would do in that situation, flipped me off, with BOTH HANDS mind you! It just happened that I got called up to sing at that exact moment, so while I was walking up to get the microphone this assfuck said, "Fuck off bitch!!!" and then proceeded to pull his pants down and moon me! Fortunately I saw him reaching for his button and figured out what he was doing before he actually did it, and I was able to avoid actually seeing anything. My eyes are still thanking me for their lack of bleeding. Well, I was pretty annoyed and I had a microphone in my hand, so I announced to the whole bar what the guy had just done. I thought it would cause him some well deserved humiliation and I really thought people would think it was funny. No one did. Oh well, I admit I have a different sense of humor than most.

Anyway, back to me telling CG how to put on a cock ring. I think, well I hope, he was drunk. He called Debi while she was at the bar getting a drink so I answered. When he figured out it was me he said Debi had told him I was the person to ask, so I explained it to him. You'd think a cock ring would be fairly self explanatory, but apparently it's not. At one point Debi and I had decided that it would be a good plan to pretend that I like CG's friend to kind of fuck with him, because the friend, whom we shall call MG (married guy) apparently wanted to hook up with me despite the fact that he's MARRIED! What a pig! So, here is my convo with CG:

Me: Hey is my boyfriend there?
CG: Your boyfriend?
Me: Yeah my boyfriend.
CG: Who the fuck is your boyfriend?
Me: You know...my BOYFRIEND!
CG: Who is this?
Me: This is Jen.
CG: Jen? Jen...Jen (wheels turning audibly)
Me: Yeah, you know, Jen?
CG: Jen?
Me: Yeah stupid you met me the same night you met Debi!
CG: Oooohhh Jen!!!! Hey, Debi told me you're the person to ask about cock rings!
Me: Uh.
CG: I need to ask you how to use one.
Me: Ok well you're gonna need some lube.
CG: (interrupting) Not now, I don't have time right now.
Me: It's gonna take me 3 seconds to tell you, just shut up for a second. All you gotta do is lube up and slip it on, and if it's one of the big ones, pull your balls through, too.
CG: That's it?
Me: Yeah that's it.
CG: Oh. Won't that separate my balls?
Me: No, you'd need a ball spreader for that. Here's Debi.

And later, after Debi told CG that I was interested in MG...

CG: You wanna hook it up with MG?
Me: Oh yeah!
CG: You like him?
Me: Just tell him I want him to fuck me in the ass.
CG: What?!?!
Me: Tell him I want his cock in my ass.
CG: Uh.
Me: And tell him when he pulls his cock out of my ass I want him to put it straight into my mouth.
CG: You're into that?
Me: Oh yeah baby! Just tell him, ok?
CG: (Incoherent babbling) Debi (more incoherent babbling)
Me: Ok, here's Debi!

So, needless to say, I had fun last night!

PWI

2005-08-11T00:49:00.000-07:00

Posting while intoxicated! Hooray!!! When I got home from work tonight my roommate Saul had a drink sitting on the kitchen counter just for me. I was hesitant to take it because of its placement in the area of doom, but was soon convinced when I realized that it was alcoholic in nature. It was the lovely shade of blue that can only be described as "windex" and I was informed that it was 100% alcohol, except for a splash of sweet and sour, and it was called an "Adios, Motherfucker." It was really extremely foul tasting but I sucked it down anyway because apparently I'm a masochist of some sort. I have to say though, I'm feeling REALLY good for only having had one drink. So I'm just sitting here at my computer, buzzing and listening to music probably way too loud for it being past 1:30 in the morning and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK!!! Weeeehaaaa!!!!!

One more week of freedom

2005-08-09T22:06:00.000-07:00

Next week I am going to be starting school. This will hopefully be my final semester at community college. I think I've taken every single class available and it's finally time to move on to bigger and better things. The classes I'm taking this semester are sort of fuck off classes. My first class is British Literature, which is a required class for a school to which I'm probably not even going to transfer. The second class is Poetry, which is a class I enrolled in a few semesters ago and apparently forgot to drop as the instructor gave me an 'F.' So now I have to repeat the class, even though I don't really need it. Basically what all this means is that I'm going to be doing a LOT of writing over the next few months. Yay me. I'm also contemplating doing a P.E. class, because if I do, I can get my diploma. I'll be official. The one I'm contemplating is Step Training. I'm pretty sure this class would severely kick my ass, but it's the only class besides swimming that is at the right time on the right days to really fit into my schedule. I'm just going to attend the first class and see what I think, then add it if I think it won't kill me.

So, this is my last week before school, and I've decided to be a lazy turd as much as possible. I called in sick to work today and went to see "The Dukes of Hazzard," which by the way was really funny. I'm working tomorrow, but only because I have to. Thursday I'm going to play sick again and then I have Friday and Saturday off. I think on at least one of those days I should get really shitty drunk and raise some hell. On the other days I'm sure I'll find something equally lame to do. Wish me luck!

Fast food

2005-08-09T14:13:00.000-07:00

I practically live on fast food. Yes, I know how extremely bad for me this is, but I'm a single girl with no one to cook for, and even if I wanted to cook there's the whole cat on the kitchen counter thing. Today I ate at McDonald's. Maybe you've heard of it? I pretty much hate McDonald's. I hate thinking they had my food just sitting there before I ordered it. This is also why I hate buffets. But their fries are so fucking GOOD! I think they put crack in their fries, I really do. Another place that puts crack in their food is Taco Bell. I save Taco Bell for when I'm supremely broke because I can eat there for $1.17. One bean burrito especial fills me up. I think that's awesome. The other fast food place I eat at a lot is A&W. They probably have the best burgers out of any of the places around here, though In-N-Out gives them a run for their money. In-N-Out has shitty fries though. I go to Jack In The Box, too, but only for the bacon cheddar potato wedges or occasionally for their tacos. Burger King and Carl's Jr. can go away for all I care. I have a fast food wish list for the town I live in: Del Taco, Arby's, Wienerschnitzel, Wendy's, Sonic, and put in a damn drive-thru at Subway, cause I'm a lazy bitch!

Thanks Craiglypoo!!!

2005-08-08T02:38:00.000-07:00

I adopted a virtual pet! I named her Pizza Pussy Santa cuz everyone likes at least one of those things. She makes me giggle!!! Here she is, isn't she sweet?

adopt your own virtual pet!

Check it out

2005-08-05T16:32:00.000-07:00

The funniest blog EVER!!!

My new coworker

2005-08-05T00:29:00.000-07:00

Well since Lindsey gave her 2 weeks notice we got a new girl and I have to say she is AWESOME! Not only is she a good worker and all that BS, but she is funny as hell. She likes to talk but she isn't totally self centered like the last chick that got fired. Anyway I learned tonight that a) she has a weak stomach and b) once she starts laughing she can't stop. It fucking ROCKED! I almost made her pee her pants and barf with the same story! It's still making me giggle. She told me one time she laughed for 5 hours straight and her body was so sore she couldn't move. It's gonna be so much fun torturing her!!!

Wow, this is so lame!

2005-08-04T01:37:00.000-07:00

I got an email from Tom's top sites, which I admit I didn't read, but which implied in the subject line that people are CHEATING to get their blog in the top spots. I just have to say, anyone who does that is utterly retarded and needs to get a life!

Buying a car is not so fun!

2005-08-02T03:09:00.000-07:00

Anybody who has bought a car knows that buying a car is not that much fun. I mean, there's the whole looking for the car and finding the perfect one part, but after that it's stacks of paperwork and a whole lot of money gone. After finding THE ONE and agreeing on a monthly payment and stuff there's the actual monthly payment itself, not to mention insurance and maintenance and gas. Buying a car is most assuredly NOT FUN! However, having a car, and being able to go anywhere I want anytime I want is awesome, and something I haven't been able to do in a very long time. I am as happy as a clam right now. I'm sure it will wear off, but still, I'm very satisfied with what I got. If this damn thing would let me post pics I would post a pic of my lovely new (to me) car.

Buying a car is fun!

2005-08-01T00:52:00.000-07:00

So this weekend the hunt was on. I had my eye on this '03 Sentra at first, which I had linked to in an earlier post. It turned out to be such a piece of shit. I went to look at it and it was literally covered in scratches. I got in and immediately noticed a strange odor. It was a melange of Dr. Pepper, sweat and moldy tacos. Then when they brought the key out to let me start it the key would not turn in the ignition. Everyone in the area tried and nothing. I think God was trying to tell me something. I'm a firm believer in signs. So I cruised on down the road and stopped at every car place I could find. At one place a guy tried very hard to sell me a car that had flames painted on the sides. He seemed almost desperate to sell the car which was rather off-putting. I had my mom with me because she's a haggler and I'm not, and she was buying it. She thought it was a good deal. I dunno, I'm suspicious of someone pushing THAT hard to sell a car, especially when it's a 3 year old car that only has 8,000 miles on it. I think someone may have been murdered in the car or something. Also it was a Chevy Cavalier, which I will admit is a cute car, but was definitely NOT what I was looking for. The next place I went the salesman was really nice and talked me into driving an Oldsmobile Alero. It was a cute car, in my price range and a gorgeous color (dark sparkly green!) but again not quite what I was looking for. I was pretty much dead set on getting a Japanese car, just because I have owned a Ford and a Dodge and had nothing but trouble with both, and I learned that Hondas and Toyotas are the way to go, with Nissan a close second. Anyway, the car was nice and since I loved the color so much I took the guy's card, just in case. After that we went to another small place that had really great prices on their cars. I found an '01 Sentra that would have been perfect (despite the champagneness of its color) except it was a 5-speed. Another sign, I'm sure of it. We hit a few more places, and by this time it was getting to be late afternoon. I was getting a little punch-drunk from all the being outside and having to be nice to people. At one place I walked onto the lot and was not immediately accosted by a salesman (that was novel) and seeing that they didn't have anything like what I was looking for began to walk back off. Just then a salesman came rushing out of his little shanty and said, "Are you running away?" My sister, who came along to whine, said, "Yep!" and we kept walking. He kept walking, too, and started to say something else, so I shouted, "Run! He's talking to us!" and started running toward the car. My sister had to stop because she was laughing so hard, so I stopped and yelled back to the guy that I was just kidding. He said, "And I thought you were going to be nice." My sister, still laughing, said, "That was your first mistake!" Oh, we have fun, don't we? So the next place we stopped after that I finally saw some cars that I could get into. In particular there was this absolutely GORGEOUS cranberry colored Honda Civic, but it was out of my price range by quite a bit and it didn't have a cd player which was a huge requirement. The salesman talked me into driving it, so I took it for a spin. I'll be getting a cd player for it next month.

Fair treatment

2005-07-30T00:52:00.000-07:00

Well, my annual trek to the fair is over, and I have to say I'm glad that it is. It all began this morning when I got up and decided that jeans just wouldn't do to wear to the fair. Since I don't wear shorts that left me very few options, none of which were in my closet, except for a couple of skirts which I would have to be retarded to wear to the nasty dirty fair. So I got up, went to the bank and headed for the mall. Even though I'm not really a capri kinda girl I bought 2 really cute jean capris. Then of course I had to get a new top to go with my new capris. I found a really cute top but it had gold sequins and since all of my jewelry is silver I had to get some new gold earrings. I also had to get new shoes because none of the 100 pairs I already own would work with this adorable top. Since my little pre-fair shopping spree was such a good start to the day, I decided to go ahead and get my hair done too. My hair is naturally wavy but I have had it all one length for a long time and it wouldn't hold the curl very well, which is great if I want to blow my hair dry every day, but since I'm lazy I was sick of having to either blow it out or put it up, so I had a few layers put in. That actually turned out pretty well, too, although the way the chick styled it looked really lame. I tipped her dumb ass anyway.
So then I went home and got ready and Debi came and picked me up to head to the fair. As soon as we got there our first stop was, of course, the bar, where Debi got a raspberry daiquiri, or as she called it a "fruity blinky drinky." I got a soda because I have learned at fairs past that the fair and alcohol really aren't a good mix. Throw in some greasy food, masses of idiotic people, and a really loud concert and I'd soon be begging for a quick and painless death. After we got our drinks we walked around for a bit, looking at some of the vendors' booths. I considered getting a license plate frame for the car I don't have yet but decided against it because I would want a unique one but I couldn't think of anything to put on it. Then as we were walking by a cooking demonstration booth the dude running it just happened to be saying, "My mom always told me that if I learned to cook the girls would line up outside my door. She was wrong." So me being the smartass that I am, I said in what I thought was a fairly quiet voice, "That's because you're a dork." Well, apparently he heard me and announced it to the whole place. I think I outdid my bad moment last year when I told the free bible guy that I worshipped Satan. I actually felt really bad about this one because, well, he actually was really cute and probably not a dork at all. Also, I once had a job where I had to travel around to fairs and set up a booth and all that crap and it is NOT a fun job at all. Some person walking by making assholish comments probably makes it even worse. So I really did feel bad and literally considered going back and apologizing, but Debi talked me out of it, because she thought I would just make it worse.
So then we walked around a bit more and I got some really shitty nachos and wound up dumping them in the garbage. Then Debi wanted to make fun of carnies so we went to the midway. Other than one "I smell cabbage!" we never got around to making fun of the carnies, because we saw a guy that Debi thought was her ex-boyfriend and so there was drama. I looked longingly at the rides but Debi is vehemently anti-carnival rides so I knew it wasn't going to happen. To console myself I began looking for the temporary tattoo booth. All I found was a plethora of airbrush booths. When did airbrushing become so damn popular? And when did it edge out temporary tattoos? Because the temporary tattoos were nowhere to be found. I considered asking them if they did airbrush abs because I wanna be like Mariah Carey, but Debi wouldn't let me. She wanted to get an airbrushed hat that said, "Read My Blog." Actually, I am still wondering why she didn't, that would have been HOT!
Anyway, after that we walked around a bit more, looked at plants (that was fun!) and then headed over to the free stage to get our seats to see Berlin. We ran into several friends on the way and wound up sitting with my friend Jason and his other friend and Debi's daughter and friend. We got seats dead center in the third row which was awesome and then I went and got a pretzel and another soda, which turned out to be a bad idea because I had to get up in the middle of the concert to find a bathroom. The concert was pretty good. I had low expectations since I saw Joan Jett there 2 years ago and she sucked ASS!!!! But this was cool. I knew most of the songs, they were smart and did mostly 80s stuff as opposed to their newer stuff that no one really knows. Jason and Debi were the most excited of our group, they got out in the center aisle and danced. Jason even got to go up on stage during one song, which he seemed pretty excited about. After the show was over Debi decided she had the hots for the drummer, and he was out signing cds, so I muscled my way through the crowd, bought her a cd and plowed through some more people to have him sign it.
After that we made another round of walking and then decided to head home. We had to take a shuttle bus to get back to the car so we waited on a bench outside the fair for a few minutes. A security guard was standing there by us and when the bus pulled up she turned to us and told us that she would make sure we got on the bus first. I think she was a lesbian. So then we got on the bus and our bus driver, who thought she was a comedian, couldn't get the bus started. Debi was highly irritated, which became funnier with each passing moment. The driver, for some reason, everytime she tried to start the bus would sing "I'm a honky tonk man," then start cackling like it was the funniest thing she ever heard. I think I saw Debi's eye twitching. Finally the bus started and as we were driving down the road the driver began telling very bad jokes. They weren't even funny, but I was laughing my ass off because she was totally insane and Debi was NOT amused.
For the most part, it was a good night. I count it a success simply because I came home WITHOUT a headache or a stomachache, which I think is a first for me. Also the number of mullets seems to have been significantly reduced since last year and I like to think I played a part in that. So now I feel like I've done my duty as a citizen of this county and I won't have to go to the fair again til next year. Yeehaw!

Fair's what you get at the fairgrounds

2005-07-29T00:59:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow I am going to the fair. Hooray! Or maybe I should say, "yeehaw!" The reason I'm going to the fair is to see Berlin, but the obvious bonus of going to the fair is the opportunity to people watch. For some reason the fair brings the most frightening people crawling out of the woodwork. I don't know where all these people come from, but I would guess a good majority of them come from the Central Valley. Now I use the word 'people' loosely because some of these creatures are hardly human, they are more like Neanderthals or the Java man. It is truly scary, but for some reason I can't NOT look at them. Much like a train wreck, when I see a toothless bemulleted hag I turn my head and watch as I pass. Last year, I not only watched, but I decided to participate. One night that we went I actually wore a trucker hat that says "Mullets Get Chicks." I like to encourage those with mullets to keep their mullets, otherwise what would I have left to make fun of besides their toothlessness and general Pigpen-esque appearance? I'm looking forward to my time at the fair tomorrow and I will try to make note of all the freaks I see and report back here. See you at the fair!

Have I ranted about work lately?

2005-07-28T11:13:00.000-07:00

Random work rants:

Dress code - Who the fuck institutes a dress code at a fucking porn shop? When people come in they don't expect the people working there to look like they work in a fucking office. We could wear panties on our fucking heads and no one would give a rat's ass!

Coworkers - I work with my roommate. It's bad enough I have to live with the bitch, but then I have to work with her 3 days a week. At work she is by turns sullen and bitchy. She thinks she knows everything, yet I have to go back and fix half the shit she does. She's rude to the customers and even ruder to our coworker Jess. She talks shit about the manager, which I admit, I do too, but I will tell him to his face. Then she continually tells people that she IS the manager, which she's NOT. If anybody at that store would make a capable manager it would not be her.

Customers - Fucktards! Every last bleeding one of them! Some are obviously worse than others, like the guy who comes in wearing NO SHOES, or the sweaty guy who buys a bigger dildo every day, or the guys who insist on hitting on the lesbian. HELLO DUMBFUCK!!!! She's not interested. She wants me, duh!

General gripes - They don't pay me enough for what I have to deal with. They get on our cases for taking breaks, even though legally we are supposed to take a set number. Lingerie orders take WAY too long. Fred lies about stupid shit and needs to be strangled.

All that said, I have to admit there's nowhere else I want to work, at least not here in town. Well, except the library, but they won't hire me apparently because of my library fines...

I hate my roommates!

2005-07-28T04:47:00.000-07:00

My roommates are the most inconsiderate people I have ever met. There's the whole cat thing which baffles me. Then there was the fighting. The first week I moved in they stood right outside my bedroom door from about 1 am til 3 am yelling at each other at the top of their lungs. I understand if they have to fight, but they should really do it more privately. They did that a couple of times until I offered to crack their skulls for them if I heard it again. So, tonight they came home around 1:30 am and started playing the guitar and talking really loudly and basically just being loud in every way possible. This continued on until 3:45 when they finally went to bed. Now I am a night owl, and that's great that they stay up late and everything, but I certainly didn't appreciate the noise they were making and I'm pretty sure the neighbors didn't either. So anyway when they finally went to bed I got up to go get some water and I opened the freezer to get some ice. Imagine my surprise when I saw one of MY glasses in the freezer with a half frozen drink in it. Now normally I wouldn't be so upset at other people using my dishes but they have already broken 2 of my glasses. I've lived here for 3 months and they've broken 2 of my glasses! That is just ridiculous! I would venture to guess I break a glass something like once every two years, if that. Besides that, what kind of a dumbass puts a glass in the freezer with something in it? I dunno, I'm not an expert on glassware, but it seems like if you put a glass in the freezer it would be more prone to cracking under the pressure of the expanding liquid as it freezes. Anyway, I just left it in there because I kind of hope it does break and then I can make them buy me new glasses. Clearly, this whole using my stuff thing has become an issue because I also noticed that they have been drinking my soda & bottled water, using my shampoo and conditioner and other bath products, and they stole a pen out of my room. Had this pen been sitting near my door or even anywhere in sight that would be ok, but no it was sitting on my computer desk, still in the package, among a pile of other packages and miscellaneous junk that I keep on my desk. I understand looking for a pen if you can't find one. I even went in their room to borrow a lighter one time, but it was in plain view from the doorway which they had left open and I didn't have to rifle through their belongings to get it. I hate to be so petty because, after all, it is only stuff, and not even big or expensive stuff (well except for my shampoo & conditioner) but it's the principle of the thing. They act like I'm not here and take advantage of the fact that I'm usually very nice and generous to a fault. If they asked me for a pen, I'd give them a pen. If they asked me for a soda I'd give them a soda. Hell, I'd even let them share my shampoo & conditioner if they couldn't afford their own. But they don't ask, they just take. If they were my friends maybe I would feel differently, but I don't now nor have I ever considered them friends. These are not people I would choose to hang out with or spend any more time with than is absolutely necessary. Again, thank God they are moving out soon! Only one more month to go!

I'm shopping for a car

2005-07-28T01:04:00.000-07:00

This weekend I'm going to test drive this bad boy
2003 Sentra
Debi, I know you're jealous, try to contain yourself...

I need something to piss me off

2005-07-26T02:07:00.000-07:00

Otherwise I have no blog. I guess I'm just not feeling it right now. Here's something I AM feeling:

"Swimming Upstream" by Ra

The sun disappeared right before my eyes
My heart turned and walked away
I gave you the keys to an open door
And you threw them right back at me
Once again I'm alone with a pain in my chest
So sad so sad so low
The clouds start to gather here comes the rain
You meant more than you could know

I can't say I miss you
You're always around
I can't say I love you cuz you'll cut me down
I'm wounded and hurt
And that's my fault
But I made my decision with my back to the wall
And I gotta move on from here
I've done all that I can do
Yeah I gotta move on from here
I've been swimming upstream for you

As time passes by I can't explain
It's hard to be next to you
Is it my face or is it everything
That you're not attracted to
I'm so lost and confused when I look at you
Your eyes your lips so soft
And then when you see me I turn away
Cuz I know that I turn you off

I can't say I miss you
You're always around
I can't say I love you cuz you'll cut me down
I'm wounded and hurt
And that's my fault
But I made my decision with my back to the wall
And I gotta move on from here
I've done all that I can do
Yeah I gotta move on from here
I've been swimming upstream for you

I just bought this cd the other day and I absolutely love it. It's gorgeous and brilliant and perfect and I can't wait to play it until I can't stand it anymore.

Quizzes are fun

2005-07-23T23:39:00.000-07:00

Your English Skills:

Grammar: 100%

Punctuation: 100%

Spelling: 100%

Vocabulary: 100%

Does Your English Cut the Mustard?

An interesting evening...

2005-07-23T01:55:00.000-07:00

So Debi and I decided to go out to karaoke tonight. We went out to dinner first and wound up at the bar way early. There was a guy there we've known for a long time, sort of an older guy, total alcoholic, but kind of fun to talk to. He came up to me as Debi went to the restroom and began talking to me. He asked me what was different about me and I said I didn't think anything was. So we went through this whole conversation trying to figure out what might be different about me. Then when Debi got back he said that he could read auras and that mine was different. Then he explained to me all about auras, what they were and what they meant and specifically what mine looked like and what that meant. Neither Debi nor I were quite sure what to make of this, although Debi was encouraging him by saying, "Yeah you're right, she's changed so much and yada yada.." I admit that some of the things he said made sense, or maybe they just played up to my ego, but it was kind of cool. Well then he said goodbye and walked away and of course Debi was a little confused as to why he didn't tell her about her aura, so later I had him come over and tell her all about hers. He's a cool guy, he may be a little kooky and can't sing a note to save his life, but I think he made some pretty astute observations about us.

Anyway after that this drunk dude came up to our table and told us both we were gorgeous and was just kinda hanging around there making random dumb comments. Debi told him off almost immediately which is always comical. Then he said something about being in the FBI and we both laughed. This guy was persistent though. He leaned over and said to me, "I want you and your friend." So I said back to him, "What do you want?" And he said, "Sex." It's a damn good thing I wasn't taking a drink at that moment because it surely would have come out my nose. Well, at that point Debi got pissed at him and ran him off. Pretty soon he came back again. I suppose he liked the abuse because he kept coming back for more. I thought he was kinda cute in a desperate puppy sort of way, but it didn't look like he was hooking up with anyone in the bar, not for lack of trying, but just because he was SO BAD at it. Later I went outside and saw this poor dude lying on the ground across the street. I made sure he wasn't going to throw up on anyone's car and then went back inside.

So that having used up my quota of tolerance and niceness for the night I proceeded to get into a fight. Some dumb asshole came up and bribed his way into the karaoke rotation in front of us and was gloating about it to our faces. So I told him he needed to stop talking to us. And he got all pissy and was muttering something, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. So then Debi and I sang. While I was singing I guess he was talking shit to Debi, telling her that I needed to chill out and that he could have us kicked out and blah blah blah. And I guess Debi was telling him off the entire time, and saying her famous line, "Don't you know who I AM?!?" So after my song was over he said something again, mumbling, and then took out his camera like he was going to take a picture of me. I rushed toward him and put my finger in his face and yelled at him, "You fucking better not take my picture, I will kick your fucking ass, don't think I won't!!" I was right up in his face, and he was leaning back trying to get away from me but he was against a wall. Then he said something about having us kicked out and I said, "Wrong, I can have YOU kicked out!" Then I went up to the bartender and told her that this dude was harassing us and trying to take our picture. She went right over to him and told him he needed to leave us alone or she would kick him out. It totally rocked because he thought he was all bad. But I think I scared the shit out of him because a minute later he grabbed his friends and raced out of the bar.

It really wouldn't be a night out with Debi if there weren't SOME kind of drama involved. But we had a blast, got to see some old friends and catch up, and we were complimented many times which we absolutely love. So all in all, it was a great night.

In case anyone was wondering...

2005-07-22T16:32:00.000-07:00

The Keys to Your Heart

You are attracted to those who are unbridled, untrammeled, and free.

In love, you feel the most alive when your partner is patient and never willing to give up on you.

You'd like to your lover to think you are stylish and alluring.

You would be forced to break up with someone who was emotional, moody, and difficult to please.

Your ideal relationship is lasting. You want a relationship that looks to the future... one you can grow with.

Your risk of cheating is zero. You care about society and morality. You would never break a commitment.

You think of marriage as something precious. You'll treasure marriage and treat it as sacred.

In this moment, you think of love as something you thirst for. You'll do anything for love, but you won't fall for it easily.

What Are The Keys To Your Heart?

I'm afraid of ghosts

2005-07-22T00:32:00.000-07:00

I admit that I have a completely irrational fear of ghosts. I've never seen a ghost, I never want to see a ghost, I'm not even sure if I believe in ghosts, yet I am scared shitless of them. I LOVE scary movies. To me the scariest scary movies are ghost movies. I also love to read ghost stories. When I was younger I used to read ghost stories all day and then not be able to sleep at night. If I had to get up for any reason and walk out into the dark hallway I would be shaking and looking over my shoulder until I got the light on. And even then I would turn my head really fast to make sure nothing was hiding out of my sight. Even now I sometimes catch myself doing it late at night when it's very dark. I'm not sure exactly how I developed this fear, but I have always had it. So, recently I learned that a piece of land right across the street from where I live was a cemetery in the 1800s. How did I learn this? Well, they were beginning construction on some new housing and found some bodies. Ok, maybe it's just me and my irrational fear, but I think at this point I would scrap the project. They just moved the bodies and continued on with it. This is the making of a fucking horror movie. It's EXACTLY what happened in Poltergeist. Are these people insane? Not only are they messing with forces they know nothing about, but it's just plain disrespectful. And who the fuck is gonna buy a house there? I mean, seriously. Even if I were the most skeptical person on the planet I wouldn't buy a house built on top of an old cemetery. It's just wrong.

I like pudding

2005-07-21T00:39:00.000-07:00

Today I ate a ham sandwich and doritos, then I treated myself to not one but 2 pudding cups. Yeah. I like pudding. It's almost as good as flan. Almost.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

2005-07-19T12:10:00.000-07:00

You know how people who become cops were usually the biggest troublemakers when they were kids? I'm in a similar type of situation. Someday I want to be a librarian. As we speak I owe over $40 in library fines. This could be part of the reason why as many times as I've tried to get a job there I've never even gotten an interview. Now $30.80 is what I owe on my library card. I've owed this since October 7, 1992. I'm not exaggerating. I have a 13 year old library fine. Apparently the library never forgives or forgets. This is copied directly from the library website:
FINES
Charges - over A history of astrology / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over All I really need to know I le 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over Hauntings / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over How to judge a nativity / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over Interpretation of dreams / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over New fortune in your hand. 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over The Amityville horror / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over The book of palmistry / 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over The key to your own nativity : 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over The mummy : or, Ramses the dam 10/07/92
$2.80

Charges - over The stranger. 10/07/92
$2.80

Total Fines
$30.80

Now since I had checked some of these books out for my sister, and at the time I was only 15 so she was the only one of us who could drive, and she wouldn't give me a ride to the library to return the damn things, I now have a library card in her name. And on this one I seem to have racked up $10 more, all because I had to read the most retarded book EVER PUBLISHED for a biology class I took last fall, and they only allow you to renew twice, and I ABSOLUTELY refused to buy the book. I'd rather pay the money to the library in fines than for any of the money to somehow possibly ever go to the author of that piece of shit. Oh and I have a really bad habit of requesting books from other libraries and forgetting to pick them up...oops! Anyway, waaaaay back in February I requested the new Harry Potter, and I was lucky to have done so before about 50 billion other people so I have a copy waiting for me at the library right now. However, I can't find my frickin' library card! Ok, scratch that...I found MY library card. I can't find my sister's library card. Anywhere. And I can't get the book without either the card or my sister because if you don't have a card they require a picture ID. FUCK! I don't really want to buy the book because, while I do like the Harry Potter books, once is really enough to read them so there's really no need to buy them, except now it looks like I WILL be buying them. Because if I only buy the last one then I will feel all incomplete, so I have to get all of them. Not only that, I have to get all of them in hardcover because that's the only way to get the new one. FUCK! I better have kids someday I swear!

Oh and in case you're wondering the worst book ever written, and yes I do mean written not just published, although it's both, is called "Ishmael" by Daniel Quinn. I threw the book across the room several times and took a fucking B in the class because I refused to read anymore of it. It was that big of a piece of shit. Maybe someday I will post the journals I had to write while reading it. They are pretty damn funny, although my instructor certainly didn't appreciate them. Hehehe!

If it's BROWN flush it down!

2005-07-18T18:54:00.000-07:00

I had to work the open shift today at work. This is a thoroughly shitty thing to have to do because a) I have to get up at 6 am in order to get on the bus by 7 am in order to get to work by 7:45, b) people who have nothing better to do during the day than go to the porn shop are FA-REAKS, and c) why the hell does the porn shop need to be open at 8 am anyway??? Oh and I forgot d) all of our shipments come in the morning. So this morning I had to receive a huge shipment of merchandise from the UPS guy. We must have just gotten lucky because our regular UPS guy is a bible thumper who refuses to enter our store on religious grounds. Now you would think that if you had a problem with coming in the store you would also have a problem delivering those boxes which, I assure you, are full of every kind of pornographic material imaginable. If that is the case, wouldn't the logical thing to do be to ask your supervisor if perhaps one of the other drivers could handle deliveries to our store? I think so. I KNOW there are other UPS drivers in this town, I've seen Debi drooling over at least 12 of them. So what does this asswipe do? He brings the 10 gigantic boxes and drops them off in front of the door. Since we had a really big shipment today he let me use his dolly to bring some of them in. Wasn't that kind? I'd think he'd be afraid that his dolly would get some sort of cooties from being inside the store, but maybe he washes it off with holy water when he gets done. Anyway, his dolly is this huge contraption that folds up and weighs about 50 pounds, which is great, and very convenient if you're properly trained to use it. I've never been to UPS training, not to mention I'm a clumsy bitch, and so I promptly dropped the fucking thing right on my foot. Thinking I had probably broken a toe, I called my manager to ask if he could come in and finish the shift for me. I had tears standing in my eyes because I was in excruciating pain and I was trying extremely hard not to burst into tears because I didn't want my eye makeup to run. Well, my manager thought I sounded "cheerful" and was playing a joke on him. He got PISSED. He told me he would come in but he was not happy about it, so I told him just to forget it. He hung up on me. I called him back and yelled at him and by this time I WAS crying. I said, "That was really shitty, Fred. I'm injured, I feel like shit and on top of that you are trying to make me feel bad. You better not come in, I don't want to see your fucking face!" So needless to say he showed up 15 minutes later and apologized to me (damn I'm good) because he thought I was playing a joke on him. God, he's a moron! Anyway, then he got on the phone and called UPS and tore them a new one about their driver. Unfortunately UPS's response was not quite what we hoped for. They refused to give us a different driver, they refused to do anything to convince the current driver that he should, I dunno, actually DO his job, they refused to do anything at all. Fucking bastards. Clearly brown can't do SHIT for me. Anyway, I finally convinced Fred that I would be just fine and got him to leave. I can't believe I got away with yelling at him like that AND made him feel bad at the same time! Anyway, I don't think my toe is broken but it is swollen and purple which is always fun.

I want to add here that I have nothing against bible thumpers, I just think that if you have to go into a porn shop as part of your job that it is probably ok with Jesus, and if you're delivering the stuff anyway what the hell difference does it make if you go the extra 25 feet? In fact, I think if you're delivering the stuff anyway Jesus would probably want you to help a clumsy girl and not let her get hurt with your big stupid equipment. That is all.

A letter...

2005-07-17T16:31:00.000-07:00

Dear everyone who thinks they don't need deodorant because they "don't stink,"

You stink. Put on some fucking deodorant you reeking bastards.

Love,
Jen

Charlie and the Chocolate Factory

2005-07-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

You MUST go see this movie!!! It was absolutely hilarious. I laughed my ass off, and that is quite a feat considering how large my ass was. Seriously. Go see it. My boyfriend Johnny Depp is a friggin' riot. *sigh*

Anyway...

I LOVE going to the movies. It's one of my all time favorite things to do. The theater in this town is a piece of shit, but I still love to go. I love the experience of seeing the movie on the big screen, and even idiots can't ruin it for me. Case in point, we walked into the movie theater and very carefully selected a place to sit. Now I'm a movie-going purist. I must see the movie from the best possible angle, which is no angle at all. I sit smack dab in the middle, or as close to it as possible. This can make it difficult if I have to get up and empty my teeny little bladder because the $5 Coke I just drank won't all fit in there, but I digress. This evening when I selected my seat something happened that has never, in my 25 or so years of going to the movies fairly regularly, happened before. The moment I sat down a lady leaned over the back of my seat and asked if I would mind moving down a seat. I was on the far right and she wanted us all to shift down to the left. So I turned to her and said, "Yes, I mind." I'm not moving down a seat so some schmuck can put his or her stinky ass feet up on the back of the seat next to me. If the theater was full you wouldn't be able to do that anyway, so why not just pretend it's full and not try to ruin someone else's view because you're a selfish bastard. Now of course I didn't say that to the bemulleted halfwit, but it was all implied in the vicious glare I gave her. I'm a bitch, I admit it and I have no problem with it.

I wish...

2005-07-16T16:14:00.000-07:00

...everyone cared about shoes as much as I do.
...I had straight hair and a dazzling smile.
...I wasn't such a procrastinator.
...there was no such thing as a hangover.
...donuts were fat free.
...I wasn't allergic to kittens.
...homeless people didn't smell like pee.
...there was a mall closer to where I live.
...Debi had longer arms.
...I had a camera phone.
...every restaurant served hush puppies.
...I could afford a brand new car.
...I could go somewhere cold on vacation.
...pirates actually looked like Johnny Depp.
...I knew how to add graphics to my blog.
...I had a jacuzzi bathtub.
...I wasn't such a clumsy bitch.
...I could wear a lacy bra without everyone seeing my wayward nipples.
...Diana Gabaldon would come out with a new book already.
...I had more wishes.

Fucktards via the phone

2005-07-15T02:47:00.000-07:00

Actual phone calls received at work:

Me: Good evening, Diamond Adult World.
Moron: Uhhh, hi.
Me: Hi.
Moron: Yeah do you have best-ality videos?
Me: Excuse me?
Moron: Do you have best-ality videos?
Me: What?
Moron: Do you have best-ality videos?
Me: What the hell are you asking me?
Moron: Best-ality. Best-ality.
Me: Bestiality? You sick fuck, those are illegal! *click*

Me: Good evening Diamond Adult World
Dumbfuck: What are you?
Me: What am I?
Dumbfuck: Yeah, like do you have dancers there?
Me: No, we're a retail store.
Dumbfuck: Do you have jack-off booths there?
Me: No.
Dumbfuck: You sound hot.
Me: *click*

Me: Good evening Diamond Adult World.
Shithead: Hi. Do you guys sell dildos?
Me: Yes.
Shithead: What kind?
Me: All kinds.
Shithead: Well can you describe them to me?
Me: They are shaped like penises.
Shithead: Can you be more specific?
Me: Why don't you just come in and look at them?
Shithead: I'm not sure if I would feel comfortable coming in there.
Me: Well then I don't know what to tell you.
Shithead: Do they make fake vaginas?
Me: I have a customer. *click*

Me: Good evening Diamond Adult World.
Mongoloid: Hi, what do you sell there?
Me: We have movies, toys, lingerie, magazines, etc...
Mongoloid: Toys? What kind of toys?
Me: Sex toys.
Mongoloid: Oh. Well, me and my girlfriend won a dance contest.
Me: Congratulations.
Mongoloid: We were wondering if we could come in on Thursday.
Me: You can come in anytime, we're open from 8 am to midnight everyday.
Mongoloid: So how does Thursday around 8 sound?
Me: I don't care, come in whenever you want.
Mongoloid: Do you guys sell magazines?
Me: Yes.
Mongoloid: Are there any good ones?
Me: Yes.
Mongoloid: What magazines do you carry?
Me: All of them, just come in and look around.
Mongoloid: Oh well, we won this dance contest.
Me: Mhm.
Mongoloid: And they gave us a gift certificate for you guys...do you know anything about that?
Me: No.
Mongoloid: Well can we use it there? It says Diamond Adult World on it.
Me: Well, then I guess you can use it here.
Mongoloid: What kind of toys do you have?
Me: All kinds, just come in and look around.
Mongoloid: Ok, can we come in on Thursday?
Me: I have to go, I have a customer. *click*
*phone rings again*
Me: Good evening Diamond Adult World.
Mongoloid: Hi I just called about the dance contest?
Me: Uh huh?
Mongoloid: Well, me and my girlfriend won, you know?
Me: Yep.
Mongoloid: Well I just wanted to make sure it was ok for us to come in on Thursday.
Me: Come in whenever the hell you want! *click*

My list

2005-07-14T14:47:00.000-07:00

My list is a list of celebrities (or semi-celebrities in my case) who would never sleep with me, but if I could get them drunk enough maybe, just maybe they might. If you have a list like this and you are in a relationship the list allows you to sleep with anyone on it without suffering any repercussions. I think everyone should keep a list handy, just in case.

Here's my list:

1. Wayne Static - I love a man with tall hair
2. Karl Urban - MMMMMM!!!
3. Julian - You had to know I'd have a porn star on here
4. Johnny Depp - Yeah, yeah I know, he's on everybody's list
5. Vin Diesel - Rawr!

I'd like to see what your list looks like, so post it in my comments!

More Fucktards

2005-07-14T07:41:00.000-07:00

"Can I call my mom" guy - This guy has got to be actually retarded. He comes in everyday and asks the same questions: "What's the cheapest I.D. Glide?" Same as it was yesterday moron. "Do you have (insert freaky movie title)" Yes, conveniently we got that in yesterday right after you left. "What's the name of the guy that owns this place?" Yesterday it was Scott Diamond, the day before that it was Tony Diamond, today it will be Lester Diamond, just because I like the sound of Lester. "What kind of movies do you like to watch?" I don't watch porn because porn is evil!!! And my absolute favorite, "Can I use your guyses phone to call my mom?" (That's what he actually says!!!) and of course I let him so that later I can say in the have you seen my baseball voice, "Mom, I'm at the porn shop! Come get me!" DUH!

"Humper" guy - This guy may also be somewhat retarded, but I haven't talked to him enough to know for sure. All I know is, everytime he comes in he goes into the handicapped booth in the arcade and humps the chair. Last time I saw him, he said something stupid to me, then went back. I had to go over in that area for some reason and I saw him lying on the floor back there. Lying on the floor. In the video arcade of a porn shop. Ew. Seriously.

"Magazine" guy - This guy comes in everyday, too. He buys magazines every single day of the week. He's taken to asking if he can mix and match the magazine packs. Um, no, you can't dumbfuck. You couldn't last week, you couldn't yesterday, you can't today and you won't be able to tomorrow so don't even bother asking. Oh, and he tried to return a blow-up doll. He actually brought the box into the store and asked if he could exchange it because it was "too small," and I actually made the sign of the cross with my fingers as if the blow-up doll could somehow curse me. We need some sort of button we can push that will cause a nasal voice to say over the loudspeaker "BIOHAZARD! BIOHAZARD!" for when these fools try to return shit.

Ahhh, I love my job!

The truth about Llan

2005-07-14T00:32:00.000-07:00

In a previous entry I chronicled the meeting of myself and a certain gentleman whom we shall call Llan. I am ashamed to say that this previous entry was a blatant and outrageous lie. The reason I felt it necessary to prevaricate upon this occasion remains unclear to me, however I now feel I should rectify the situation by telling the TRUTH.
Llan and I, in fact, did not meet in the Gobi Desert as was previously stated. The simple fact is, we met in a brothel. I came upon this dashing fellow (no pun intended) while he was spouting love poems to a begirdled libertine. As I knew this particular wench to be unworthy of this fine young man's well-intentioned yet poorly executed ramblings, I attempted to lure him from the grimy clutches of said strumpet by flashing him my ample decolletage. This ploy worked quite well and Llan has been panting in my wake ever since.

Blasphemy

2005-07-14T00:31:00.000-07:00

I truly feel God was punishing me by not allowing me to get online for 2 days to blog. What I don't get is why he would punish you by depriving you of your daily fix of me!

Fucktard of the month...fucktard of the year

2005-07-11T13:18:00.000-07:00

I swear the most fucked up people come into my store. I'm sure that surprises everyone! Hehehe! Here are the candidates for fucktard of the month:

"I need a shower" dude - This guy smells like he inhabited the bowels of some disease-infested animal, and after birthing himself bathed in patchouli oil. Wherever he goes in the store the smell lingers for hours. Not even lysol can get rid of the awful stench. I've asked Fred (the manager) if we can 86 this guy and he said no. What an ass!

"I need a girfriend" dude - This guy made a nuisance of himself one day when he just HAD to have a porn movie. If you want to rent a movie ANYWHERE you have to at least provide your name and address. That's the way it works, pal, just deal with it. And if you don't want your name and address in the computer because you are paranoid that someone might find out or, hmm I dunno, maybe the CIA will hunt you down and kill you for watching a porn, then maybe you should just download your porn from Kazaa like normal people.

And the frontrunners. This was a youngish couple, they came in, browsed for about an hour and left without buying anything. Sounds fairly innocent, right? Well it just so happens that right as they were leaving I went outside to clean the glass doors and watched them get into their van, where their 7 or 8 year old daughter was sitting alone with the windows down. Ok, first of all, you don't leave a young child like that unattended ANYWHERE, let alone in front of pervland! These people are stupid, insane, irresponsible, and need to die. If I had seen the girl out there while they were in the store I would have called the cops.

Although I don't like to jump the gun, we already have a fucktard of the year. I don't see anyone outclassing the unclassiness of this guy. Fucktard of the year is the 7-Up guy. I don't know if I have ever met a human being more clueless in my life. The following are reasons why he is the #1 fucktard:

1. When he comes to the store he KNOCKS ON THE DOOR and won't come in until someone acknowledges him.

2. One time he asked me if I wanted some bottled water. I said sure. So he brought me a bottle that had already been opened.

3. My coworker Jessica is a lesbian. When you look at her you know she's a big ol' dyke. He hits on her repeatedly. She talks about her girlfriend, he hits on her some more.

4. He asked me out. I said no. Then he bought a window decal that says "No Fat Chicks."

5. He brags about his prowess in softball. Softball is an old lady sport, meaning, even old ladies can play it.

6. When he returns his movies they are ALWAYS in the wrong cases.

7. He left his wallet on the counter with $1,700 in cash. When he came back for it he accused Lindsey of stealing from him.

8. He has an 80's shaggy dog/almost mullet hairstyle.

9. I'm surprised he doesn't drive a camaro.

10. He announced to the entire store he could get synthetic heroin from his next door neighbor who makes it.

The LLAN man

2005-07-11T00:54:00.000-07:00

Llan, or as I like to call him shit head, is my best good buddy. I met Llan 45 years ago out in the middle of the Gobi Desert. He discovered me being attacked by rabid jackalopes and promptly saved me without even putting down his giant rainbow colored lollipop. We quickly discovered that we shared an intense love for pot-bellied pigs and macadamia nuts. Llan and I spent the 80s together doing coke and voting for Ronald Reagan. Llan currently resides in my shoe, but he has big plans to move into a cardboard box under a bridge somewhere in Siberia. Everyone wish Llan the best of luck!

Since I like poetry so much

2005-07-11T00:51:00.000-07:00

Here's a link to some really good poetry:
http://www.mikemcgee.net/haiku.htm

Smell it!

A poem

2005-07-10T02:21:00.000-07:00

What this blog needs is some poetry. I've decided to dedicate my first masterpiece to my pal Debi. Debi I know you will be oh so thrilled about this.

Debi

There's a girl I know

Her name is Debi

Her entryway

Is quite cobwebby

Read this poem

However you like

Just remember

I'm not a dyke

I must be sick

2005-07-10T01:12:00.000-07:00

These two white trash losers came into my store tonight to buy whip-its. I wasn't talking to them because a) they were white trash losers and b) my voice is kind of cutting in and out. Ok, I realize I'm supposed to do that whole "customer service" thing or whatever, but I just wasn't into it. So the fat dude with the half missing, half covered in chewing tobacco juice teeth says to me, "Are you always this serious?" And I just look at him and say, "Yes." I couldn't even come up with a smartass comment for him. So then he becomes my fucking therapist all of a sudden. He says, "I bet you have a sense of humor, you just don't open yourself up to people." Yes, Hillbilly Dr. Phil, you're absolutely right, I'm not really in the habit of sharing my deepest darkest secrets with a toothless fucker who's about to kill some very important brain cells with a 24 pack of whip-its. Call me crazy. There are oh so many things I could have said to this moron, and yet not a single one of them came into my brain at that moment. So I just glared at him, took his money, and went about my business. WTF mate? I ALWAYS fuck with my customers. Usually I have no problem coming up with smartass and/or bitchy things to say to people, so my only conclusion is that my brain is foggy from being sick, in which case I probably shouldn't be blogging either. But, as Ron Burgundy would say, "When in Rome!"

Saturday morning

2005-07-09T15:11:00.000-07:00

So this morning I got up early and went to breakfast with Debi and her daughter. Breakfast was great. After breakfast we went to the pet store and this is where the horror began. Debi not only spent over $30 on tunnels for her hamster, but she bought a dress for Lisa's dog. A dress. For a dog. What the fuck? Dogs are not supposed to wear dresses. I've always sincerely felt that people who dress their pets in clothes are insane. This is right up there with carrying your dog around in a purse. Next thing you know she will get matching tiaras for herself, Lisa and the dog, bleach her hair blonde, get really long French manicured acrylic nails and walk around in plaid capri pants and gold spangled sandals, at which point I will have to deny ever having known her. Anyway, after our lovely foray into the pet store, we went somewhere even better. The Jesus store. Hooray. Debi wanted me to wait in the car or even hang out at the Sylvan Learning Center next door. She knows me too well. As soon as I walked in I started mouthing off. Debi doesn't appreciate it when I do this, but the truth is, I'm actually trying to help her. You see, if when blaspheming in a holy spot I am suddenly struck by lightning, that would prove once and for all that there IS a god, would it not? I think so. It hasn't happened yet, but I will never stop trying...for her sake. After all, that's what friends are for right?

The 80's

2005-07-08T18:48:00.000-07:00

Ok, so everybody's all into the 80's now. Let me tell you something, I remember the 80's. They weren't even cool when it WAS the 80's. Here I've compiled a list of things from the 80's and further indicated whether they were cool or not cool. Feel free to add to the list, although if you say something is cool and it wasn't or vice versa you will get your head chewed by me or possibly Lisa's dog.

99 Luftballoons - not cool
Acid wash - not cool
Adam Curry - not cool
Air Supply - not cool
Atari 2600 - cool
Banana clips - not cool
Big hair - not cool

Big League Chew - not cool
Cabbage Patch Dolls - not cool
Cocaine - not cool
Color changing t-shirts - not cool
Cootie catchers - cool

Corey Haim and Corey Feldman - not cool
Debbie Gibson - not cool
Drop waists - not cool
Duran Duran - cool

E.T. - cool

Fun Dip - cool
Gagging someone with a spoon - not cool
Garbage Pail Kids - cool
Huge glasses - not cool
Indiana Jones - cool
Jellies - not cool

Journey - not cool

Karate Kid - cool
Layered slouch socks - not cool
Lee press on nails - not cool
Leg warmers - not cool
Madonna - cool
Max Headroom - cool
Members Only jackets - not cool
Miami Vice - not cool
MTV - cool

Ocean Pacific t-shirts - not cool
Parachute pants - not cool
Partying like it's 1999 - not cool
Piano ties - not cool
Polo shirt with the collar turned up - not cool
Pound Puppies - cool
Puffy Reeboks - not cool

Rock Me Amadeus - not cool
Rubik's cubes - not cool
Scratch and sniff stickers - cool
Shoulder pads - not cool
Spandex - not cool
Speak 'N' Spell - cool

Swatch Watches - not cool

Tantoos - not cool
Tapered jeans with zippers - not cool

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - cool
The Breakfast Club - cool

The Goonies - cool

The Gremlins - not cool
The Reagans - not cool
The Safety Dance - not cool
The Smurfs - cool

The United Colors of Benetton - not cool
Thriller - not cool

Toni Basil - not cool
Top Gun - not cool
Vegemite sandwiches - not cool
Video games - cool

We Are The World - not cool

10 rules for going to the bar

2005-07-08T01:37:00.000-07:00

1. Know your limit, don't act like a moron unless you're me, in which case you have free reign to do whatever the hell you want.

2. If you can't dance, just don't. If your idea of dancing involves shoving your butt into other people's crotchal region and/or face, then you can't dance. If it involves your speed skating form, then you can't dance. If it looks like you're trying to scare a bear out of your campsite, then you can't dance. Deal with it and move on.

3. If you can't sing, just don't. Yes, it's karaoke - "kara" meaning "if you can't sing" and "oke" meaning "shut the fuck up."

4. If you are a grown woman you MUST put on a bra before leaving your house. I don't care how perky they are, I don't care how small they are, wear a goddamn bra because I don't wanna see them!

5. Do not, under any circumstances, wear a fanny pack to the bar. In fact, just don't wear a fanny pack period. Fanny packs are for German tourists, and even then their use is questionable.

6. If you're going to the bar to dance, make sure you attire yourself in the proper footwear. Birkenstocks are not appropriate for dancing, nor are white keds which don't match your all black outfit.

7. If you have a mullet, don't even bother leaving your house.

8. If you are a short man, just don't even bother hitting on a woman taller than you. I guarantee you she isn't interested.

9. When ordering drinks from a cocktail waitress ALWAYS tip her. Unless she's a complete moron and only comes to check on you when you actually have a drink and ignores you when it's empty, in which case you have my permission to stomp on her ugly chunky heels.

10. No dry humping. No dry humping on the dance floor. No dry humping at your table. No dry humping at the bar. NO DRY HUMPING!!! Got that?

So it's Thursday

2005-07-07T13:18:00.000-07:00

And we all know what that means! I'll get all hoochied up and Debi will turn 3/4ths lesbian for the night. I'll repeatedly catch her staring at my boobs and be flattered that at least someone appreciates them. I'll sing the same 3 or 4 songs I always sing at karaoke because I have to be fabulous, and I will cough my frickin' head off because I really shouldn't be singing with a cough. Good times.

Allow me to rant...

2005-07-06T15:12:00.000-07:00

My roommate Lindsey (the one that has something against cell phones) has a cat. This cat is spoiled ROTTEN. She's a beautiful cat, but she's a little shit. You can pet her for about 2 minutes then she starts trying to attack you with her claws or she bites you. That's all fine and dandy, I mean I like cats, but I can go without petting her. The thing that bothers me the most is that her food dish is on the kitchen counter. Yes, you read that right, THE KITCHEN COUNTER!!! I did some informal research and found that 99.99999% of pet owners put their pets' food dishes on the floor. I realize that pet owners aren't necessarily known for their sanity but come ON! Our entire kitchen has a light layer of cat hair over everything. I refuse to cook anything here, I mean cats may or may not be clean animals, I don't really know, to me they seem dirty, but the point is I don't particularly want to eat cat hair. I don't want to eat any kind of hair but I particularly don't want to eat animal hair. I've had a hair stuck in the back of my throat before and the feeling is extremely unpleasant! Now this alone could possibly be overcome with a good cleaning each time I went into the kitchen except for the fact that anytime I do go into the kitchen the cat follows me in there. I suppose she thinks that she deserves a treat, and she does get one everytime one of my roommates goes in, so that is probably why. I never have given her a treat, and I never will give her a treat but she still follows me in there. If I open up my cabinet and pull anything out, be it paper towels, a plate, peanut butter, whatever she jumps up on the counter. The only way to keep the cat out of the way is to lock her in the bathroom. I've locked her in the bathroom before but only out of extreme necessity. Like one time I was making myself a tuna sandwich and she attacked me. I couldn't even get the can of tuna open because she was chasing me around the kitchen. So basically I risk life and limb to eat in my own kitchen. Picking this cat up is like sticking your hand in the blades of a lawnmower. I've found myself eating more Taco Bell than anyone should in an entire lifetime. Thank God my roommates are moving soon!

Things I like...things I don't like

2005-07-05T23:21:00.000-07:00

Things I like:
BLOGGING!
Starbucks vanilla bean frappucino
unexpectedly getting a day off work
painting my toenails pink
getting compliments
reading a good book
rice flower & shea shower gel and body cream
the new dredg cd "catch without arms"

Things I don't like:
cigarettes
heat
coughing
ignorant people
body hair
spiderwebs
getting booted offline because my roommate has something against cell phones and my apartment complex has something against cable
the neighbor's new green day cd...I dunno what it's called but it eats

A cd in the mail? Oh Boy!!!

2005-07-05T12:16:00.000-07:00

So at work we got this cd in the mail. There was no return address, no label on the cd, nothing to indicate what it was or where it was from, except the postmark from Florida. We didn't even know if it was a cd or a dvd. Turned out it was an audio cd. So we listened to it. Basically it was this extremely crazy and inarticulate woman talking about how God talked to her and told her pornography was bad. And she just wanted to pass that message on to us. Um, don't you think if God really talked to you, I mean literally came to Earth and had a face to face conversation with you, he'd give you a better plan than making a cheesy cd and sending it out to porn shops? And furthermore wouldn't he say, "Hey Ann, you probably shouldn't mention this conversation because then people will think you are insane!"??? Does she honestly think that someone working in a porn shop is going to suddenly go, "Wow, Ann, you're absolutely right! Porn IS bad!" and walk off their job? Ann, if you're reading this, I just want you to know...if God didn't want me to sell porn, he'd hit me with a lightning bolt or something. Nice try though!!!

Contemplating a career with the Weekly World News

2005-07-05T01:17:00.000-07:00

I like to write. I like to make up ridiculous unbelievable stories. I like to blatantly doctor photos. And I fucking LOVE bat boy...I wonder if he's single.

4th of July eh?

2005-07-04T10:09:00.000-07:00

I hate fireworks...HATE them! I've always hated them. Going to the beach to watch fireworks is like my own personal hell. Does this make me unpatriotic? Maybe. Do I care? Fuck no! Happy 4th of July!!!

I'm psychic!!!

2005-07-04T00:57:00.000-07:00

And Debi cuddles with her robe! Ain't life grand?

Blogging is fun

2005-07-03T15:08:00.000-07:00

I like blogging. Hooray for blogging. Blog blog blog blog blog blog blog! So um yeah and stuff.